Light Exits The Closet
by TheMidnightSprite
Summary: Okay, so I'm going to see how many ways I can make Light come out of the closet, without copying other people's ideas. There's OOC-ness, and I don't think there will be any OCs... yay xD.
1. Touche

****

**This is my first ever fanfic. Ever. Yup. I don't think this EXACT idea has been used before, I mean I'm sure there have been fics where Light comes out, but none EXACTLY like this. I hope.  
****Oh yeah, "hmming and haaing" is another *coughweirdcough* way to say someone is trying to make a decision. It's the noises people ** make when they're trying to make their minds up. Incase you were like WTF KIND OF LANGUAGE IS THAT?  
This is pretty OOC.**

**Disclaimer: I OWN DEATH NOTE. L IS MINE. I'M GOING TO MAKE ANOTHER EPISODE WHERE LIGHT HAS TO DANCE THE HOLKIE POLKIE IN A PINK TUTU TO CONVINCE EVERYONE HE'S NOT KIRA AND NEAR IS SECRETLY A SHEEP AND L LOVES ME AND DOESN'T DIE AND MELLO IS WILLY WONKA'S SON AND MATT GETS TO BE IN IT FOR MORE THAN 2 MINUTES AND-I mean... I don't own Death Note... T^T.**

**

* * *

**

Light lay on the bed in a seductive pose, waiting for L or Matsuda or Aizawa or his father or ANYONE to walk in and discover him.

He had been doing some "secret shopping" yesterday and after much hmming and haaing he had found the perfect outfit for this ocassion, as well as some supplies to help get the message he was trying to broadcast across to whoever may be (un)fortunate enough to first receive it.

He had also found a nice bedroom, big enough to fit his… production into.

He couldn't wait to finally reveal his true self.

-SceneChange-

L walked through the hallways at a leisurely pace. There was no need to rush, it was only a file he was going for. And maybe a lollipop. Or a cake. Or two cakes. Or three... Or A WHOLE FREAKING BAKERY OHGODHEHADTOGETTOHISBEDROOM!

-YawnI'mTired-

Light shifted around a bit on the bed, this position was getting awkward. He hoped someone would come soon…

-ILikeCookies-

L sprinted down the hallway and burst through his bedroom door. He was glad no-one but himself would ever see him in this state of desperation - he had always insisted he wasn't ADDICTED to sugar. He just REAAAALLLLY liked it… REALLY. REAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLY. LIKED IT.

"SUGAAAAAR!" L ran to his wardrobe and threw the doors open, grabbing the first box of cakes he saw and ripping the cardboard like a little kid rips wrapping paper off their presents on Christmas morning. He shoved a cupcake into his mouth and sighed as the familiar sweet taste of icing calmed him down.

That was when he saw Light, who had jumped about 3 feet in the air with shock at the sudden rampage and was now sprawled out on the floor in lacy red lingerie, his "I'M GAY!" banner wrapped around his arms.

…

"Light-…kuuuun?" L said warily.

"Oh… h-hey L. I… didn't expect someone to enter… so fast… hehe" Light pulled himself up into a sitting position on the floor, being careful not to tear his banner in half. That had taken him a while to make, drawing himself flying through a rainbow had been especially hard.

"Yes, I apologize if I startled you. I just came in to get a certain file for another case I'm working on." L stated calmly, as he licked the icing from the third cupcake off his fingers. He too, was sitting on the floor, opposite Light. "If I interrupted something I apologize, too…"

"No… no of course not. I was just… well… I'm gaaaay!" Light laughed nervously, waving his banner around awkwardly. Maybe this hadn't been the best idea after all. And at this rate, it didn't look like he would get to use those party poppers, or those cans of Silly String.

"I see. Your sexual orientation is not something vitally important to the Kira case, but I appreciate the information. Although… I wouldn't have expected you to come out in such a… forward manner. It's not really like you."

"It's not like you to burst through doors screaming "SUGAAAAAR!" then shoving cakes into your mouth like a wild animal, either."

"Touche, Light-kun."


	2. Birthgay

**Okay, another chapter xD.**  
**I didn't actually intend on doing any more of these, but I got bored and typed this on my iPod Touch. Y'know, I didn't actually intend on even writing this fic, it was an act of pure randomness *^*.**  
**To publish this chapter, I had to hijack my Dad's laptop, type it up on Word, save it, and upload it. Ohh the things I go through ;3. I can't wait til my laptop is (maybe) fixed T^T. I'm going to have to delete the Word file aswell, because I accidentally saved it on my Dad's laptop account, and he will never view me the same again if he finds this story...**  
**I typed up another chapter on my Touch aswell, but I'm still deliberating on whether to upload it or not, it might be too weird O_e.  
And and and : this chapter is shorter, and I think the first one is better. Sorry.**

**Disclaimer: *sigh* I do not own Death Note. But I do own you. YOU GOT OWNED. **

* * *

It was another busy day in the Taskforce Headquarters. There were no new leads on Kira, but everyone was working just as hard to find some.

Light stared at L spinning round on his office chair, obviously deep in thought as he hadn't even touched his blueberry muffin. This was the perfect time to execute his plan – usually L was very alert, always watching what Light was doing. But now… oh, this was great.

Light brought up the file he had made earlier while L was looking at Matsuda's new "lead" on the case with the same haste he had taken to make it.

He clapped his hands in delight – if he wasn't so smart he would never have been able to make this! "Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the smartest of them all?" Light randomly thought to himself.

L sighed, his deep thinking had amounted to nothing but how delicious lemon sorbet was, and that was hardly helpful to the case.

He swivelled round to face Light, who was now biting his lip, evidently trying to hide a big grin. Something wasn't right…

"Light-kun, I fail to see what you find so amusi-" L was cut off by all the lights suddenly going off.

Light giggled to himself with uncontainable elation.

Every computer in the building then flashed red, with the words "ATTENTION PLEASE" in bold black letters.

L stared at Light disbelievingly, what on earth was happening? Was he TRYING to raise his Kira percentage?

Before L could say anything else, High School Musical music began playing as the words "LIGHT YAGAMI IS OFFICALLY GAY AND PROUD" filled the Task Force's computer screens.

"YAAAAAY!" Light cheered.

"S-son?" Soichiro gaped.

Matsuda burst into applause.

At that exact moment, Watari wheeled in a cart carrying a large wedding-type cake with "LIGHT IS A GAY MAN" iced in pink on the top.

"Cake?" L asked.

"For my Birthgay!" Light exclaimed. "Every year on this date, we will now have cake to celebrate the birth of my open homosexuality!"

"I see…" L picked a piece of cake from the cart. "Y'know, I could get into this whole gay thing…"  
Soichiro fainted.


	3. And The Day Is Just Beginning

**Hello again ^^. Didya miss me? *silence*... I missed you, too *^*.  
This one seems to take forever to get to Light. Sorry about that, I don't plan these at all ._.;  
My OTHER chapter, which I wrote at the same time as Birthgay, should be up tomorrow, as I have to charge my iPod Touch and copy it onto Word from my Notes. It's slightly disturbing, but I suppose you guys won't mind xD. YOU FREAKS JKJK ;3.  
As I write this, it is 3:15am, and I have to get up in 4 hours. Yup. Stupid me.  
Aghaghagh, this one actually seems SOOOO much more focused on Sayu. I hope no-one hates me and banishes me from the kingdom of fanfiction for it .  
Oh yeah, thankyou for your reviews and faves and story alerts :3. I felt so cool checking my email inbox and seeing all these notifications from here x3.  
AND THANKYOU TO MY BEST FRIEND CAT, WHO ENCOURAGES ME TO UPLOAD MY CHAPTERS AND IS NOT AFRAID TO SAY SHE LOVES VOCALOID YAOI IN A BUSY ENGLISH CLASSROOM 3.  
LOL my intros are so long.**

**

* * *

**

Hideki Ryuga's newest song began playing full blast from the alarm clock, as the numbers 6:30 flashed bright red on the LCD display.

It was time for Sayu Yagami to leave the warm nest of her bed and get ready for another day of school.

Sayu threw a hand out from under the covers and batted it around in the air until she made contact with her alarm clock. The hand fumbled over the shape of the object, desperately trying to find the snooze button. As much as she loved Hideki Ryuga's voice, she couldn't be bothered with it practically shouting lyrics into her ear at half six in the morning. Her hand successfully reached the desired button, and she pulled it back under her quilt with a contented sigh.

"SAYUUUUU! LIIIIGHT! TIME TO GET UUUUP! YOU'VE GOT SCHOOOOOL!"

No. Not this voice.

"SAYUUUUUUUUU! I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON!"

This voice was the voice of her mother, who she decided must have telepathic powers, for she always knew when her daughter had hit the snooze button on her alarm clock.

Sayu decided she had better get out of her bed before her mum ran upstairs and threw a bucket of cold water over her, set the fire alarm off, and got Soichiro to come in and sing "The Song That Gets On Your Nerves" to her. All of which had happened in the past.

She groaned and walked across her room to her closet, wondering idly what she was going to wear today.

She pulled her closet doors open and stared at the heap of jumbled clothes on the floor of it, then directed her attention to the clothes on hangers above.

Which part should she search through?

-WOAHGODASCENECHANGEYOUWEREN'TEXPECTINGTHATWEREYOU?-

Light tried to stay as still as he could. He could not be noticed before the right time.

He listened to his breathing and tried to stay calm – he would not give the game away.

…

HIS BREATHING!

Light stopped breathing.

-HIGHFIVEFORTHESCENECHANGE-

Sayu scanned the top part of her closet for a suitable top. She spotted the white T-shirt with Hello Kitty on it. It was cute, and not too childish, it was one of her favourite tops, actually. But then she saw her blue top. Another T-shirt, but this time it was blue with black horizontal stripes. She called it her blue zebra top. It was simple but nice.

So, which top?

Sayu didn't know. She laid them both out on her bed, and concentrated on finding an item of clothing for her bottom half.

She looked at the huge pile of jumbled clothes she had avoided earlier. It hadn't been so big yesterday. Ah well, it didn't matter. She began to pick clothes off the top of the heap, when suddenly it started shaking.

Before Sayu could tell what was happening, the clothes from the heap were flying in all directions as something emerged from the pile.

"IIIIII'M GAAAAAAY!"

The gay closet monster stood proudly out of the closet, doing jazz hands while wearing a T-shirt with the text "GAY TO BE GAY" on it and a pair of jeggings with rhinestones on the bum.

"Light has finally snapped" was the only thought running through Sayu's head at that exact moment. She couldn't say anything - she was too stunned. Although, she did notice that Light's face was tinged with… blue?

"And Sayu, darling, go with the Hello Kitty top. It would go with those dark wash skinny jeans over there and it's just so cute on you, girl!" her now officially gay brother gushed in a distinctly gay lisp.

As soon as he said that, he looked at her oddly.

"Woah, I'm kind of dizzy… I guess it's because I stopped breathing…"

And with that, Light fainted face-down into the clothes that were now spread out across his sister's floor.

Of course, directly after this, Sayu's bedroom door opened.

It was her mother.

"Sayu, I was just checking if you were up, I know what you're like with that snooze button…" Mrs Yagami trailed off as she noticed the body sprawled across the floor.

"Is that… Light? Sayu, what did you do to your brother?"

Sayu inwardly sighed. This was not going to be her day.


	4. Strange Things

**Nanana... Oh hey!  
Here's chapter 4. That was fast, right? ;3  
I feel like I'm invading the fic list with my unworthy story-type-things.  
This one starts kinda normal. Don't let that deceive you.  
So... yeah...  
In other news, I'm making Spanish style potatoes for dinner. They're very nice xD. And I'm reading the Cirque Du Freak/Vampire's Assistant/Darren Shan/whateverthehellit'scalled series, and I'm onto book 3 ^^. AAAAND, Cat showed me Mikado on Wednesday. It's Pocky, but with a different name. Pure LEGENDARINESS.  
Just thought I'd let you know .  
I have no new chapter ideas as of this moment, but I know I'll get some soon...  
I'm going to end this Author's Note before it turns into my own personal diary. That would be awful.**

DISCLAIMER: I forgot to add this last time, but I'm pretty sure you all know I don't own Death Note. If I did, this would not be called fanfiction. It would be called... AUTHORFICTION *^*.

**

* * *

**"Ryuzaki, we've been watching my family for a week now. There has been no suspicious behaviour. Don't you think we would have seen something by now if someone in my family was Kira?" Soichiro asked the detective perched in an unusual position beside him with a voice bordering on despair.

"Nothing suspicious YET." L answered, still gazing at the monitors. "Besides, your family seems just TOO perfect, like an act to hide something…" he mused.

Soichiro glared at L for a few seconds. How dare he say such things about his family! L noticed the other detective's cold look.

"Mr Yagami, I do not mean to offend you or your family in any way. I am purely observing the suspects."

Soichiro sighed. "I understand, Ryuzaki. It's just hard when it's my family under suspicion."

L nodded, and the two men turned their attention back to the screens in front of them.

L and Soichiro watched as Light walked to the cabinet in his room and pulled out a normal looking book.

"Good son, studying for his entrance exams" Soichiro said approvingly. L just stared at the monitor.

Light smiled slightly to himself as he pulled something out from the book. It was time for his plan to go into action.

Soichiro gasped at the image he was seeing, and L remained pokerfaced.

It was a gay mag.

Light opened the front page and licked his lips appreciatively. He placed the magazine on his bed and looked around the room.

"Alone at last…" he snickered. "I've been needing to let some tension out…"

"Light!" Soichiro looked away, forcing himself to stay in the room.

L kept watching, seemingly indifferent. He'd seen much more risque things than this in his lifetime. It was all just for the case.

Light pulled his trousers off, then his shirt. L's eyes widened, if that was possible. Light was wearing a lilac unitard.

Questions flooded into L's head : What would Light need such a garment for? Did he always wear that under his clothes? What was going to happen? Did this aid him in killing? Did this help to arouse him somehow? Did L want to watch this?

Light ran to his stereo and pressed play. The Nutcracker soundtrack came on, and Light bean dancing around his room, pirouetting and skipping, while occassionally stopping to look at his porn mag.

Invisible to everyone but Light, in the corner Ryuk cackled with amusement. This is what the human had been planning. Light was gay! His amusement then turned to slight horror, as he realised he had shared a bed with the boy on more than one occasion.

For once, L had no idea what to say or do. He just continued watching the unusual show. It was all for the case, of course.

"Yagami-san…"

Soichiro slowly turned to look at the monitors, expecting to see his son… pleasuring himself. He did not expect to see Light twirling around his bedroom in a lilac unitard to The Nutcracker while looking at the gay porn on his bed.

"He has some graceful moves…" L began.

"Ryuzaki…"

"Sorry. Although, if it's any consolation, I did some strange things too, when I was his age…" L eyed Soichiro in an eerie manner, then looked back at the monitor and began humming along to the music.


	5. The Kinky Side of The Fence

**Oh, hey there guys...**  
**It's been a while, sorry about that D:**  
**Anyway, I'm back with a strange (what's new) chapter for you...**  
**Actually, this chapter is for my best friend, Cat, who keeps telling me to update with Misa-like persistence ;3.**  
**This one is different from the rest of the chapters, because in this one there's no real plan, Light just kinda explodes xD. Sorry if it's crap and it sucks and you want to flame it out of existence and you threw up in disgust by just reading the title of the chapter...**

**While I've been gone, I've chosen my subjects for school, made a chocolate pudding without the self raising flour, watched Shutter Island (that is one trippy movie), read the 5th Darren Shan book and been Otherwise Occupied ._.**  
**What've you been up to? :3**  
**LOL I doubt anyone will reply to that.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own dignity, and I do not own Death Note.**

* * *

"Are you sure this is necessary, Ryuzaki?" Light put on his best puzzled-and-innocent look, L didn't need to know about Light's extreme joy at being handcuffed to the detective, let alone all the kinky fantasies running through the younger man's head right now. Light had to appear confused and heterosexual, especially since Misa was standing within a metre of him, and she was a valuable tool to him. Emphasis on the word "tool".

"This is as difficult for me as it is for you..." _The only thing I'm finding difficult is not pouncing on you right now..._

"So is this what you meant by being together 24 hours a day with him? Looking at you I never would have guessed – are you on THAT side of the fence, Ryuzaki?" Misa questioned in her high-pitched voice, moving her hands to the other side of her tiny metaphorical fence as she spoke.

"I told you, I'm not doing this because I want to-" L was cut off by Light, who looked like he was going to explode with suppressed emotion.

"Ohhhh he is Misa. He is. We both are, actually. And as soon as you and the rest of the taskforce go home, we are going to make sweet, uninterrupted man-love to each other. And afterwards, we are going to high-five and cry tears of homosexual joy as we revel in each others' open gayness, without your annoying helium-induced voice squeaking my name every 2 minutes. How about that, bitch? How about that?" There would be better tools in the shed. Preferably sharper ones.

"Ahaha Light, you're so funny! I wish I could be handcuffed to you ins-"

"SHUT UP, WOMAN! ARE YOU THAT THICK? NOT ONLY AM I ON THAT SIDE OF THE FENCE, I AM ON THAT SIDE OF THE RIVER, THAT SIDE OF THE COUNTRY, THAT SIDE OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN. I AM NOT EVEN ON THIS PLANET. I AM ON PLANET GAY, POPULATION : HOT MEN IN NAUGHTY POLICE UNIFORMS AND TIGHT LYCRA SUITS. I FEEL SO GAY, I WANT TO JUST SHOUT IT TO THE WORLD, I HAVE SO MUCH HOMOSEXUALITY IN ME!"

L stared at Light, his face not his usual blank mask, but instead a look of slight fear.

"Light...-kun... this is ... highly inappropriate..."

"NO, WHAT'S HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE ARE THE KINKY BONDAGE THOUGHTS I'M HAVING ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU SMEXY BEAST!"

L blushed deeply. Kinky thoughts must be contagious.

"YES, FREEDOOOOM!" Light sprinted to the window and opened it with sudden strength, tugging a deeply confused and embarrassed L along with him.

"I'M A GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY, TOKYO! I'M GAAAAAAAAAAAAY! I FEEL SO ALIIIIIIIIIIIVE! I SAY 'LIGHT', YOU SAY 'GAY'! LIGHT!"

A chorus of "GAY!"s could be heard, as some enthusiastic citizens below – and Matsuda – got into the spirit of things.

The rest of the taskforce stared in bewilderment and shock as Light then found a permanent marker and began excitedly scrawling "I LOVE MEN" on his shirt, and Misa left the room in hysterics (although some sighs of relief could be heard after Misa's exit).

Aizawa decided to lead the way out of the room, with the other taskforce detectives following, including Soichiro – who was looking very pale and was shaking badly. Mogi steadied him as he left the scene.

That just left L and Light: Planet Gay version, who was now inventing a Gay Dance similar to the Cha-cha Slide for the crowd below.

"To the left, do a hand flip now! One pelvic thrust! Two pelvic thrusts!..."

L was beginning to wish he hadn't swallowed the key for safety reasons. There would be no escape for two to three days, considering L's unique digestive system. And the things that could happen in two to three days...

It was time to say goodbye to dignity.


	6. Emails

****************

**Hello again ^^.  
This chapter is a series of emails, so if that's not your kinda fanfic, stop reading now...  
I was insipired by the fanfic ****Dear L by VG Jekyll, it's awesome, go and read it *^*.  
********There is some perverted and disturbing stuff in this chapter, just to let you know :D.  
I'm going to reply to the 2 people that told me what they've been up to (and I won't use paragraphs, since that will make this AN a mile long). IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO TELL ME *stalkstalkstalk* :D! Thanks for all the other reviews, aswell. I'm not going to reply to all of them, because that would make the AN longer than the chapter, sorry D;**

icywarm: Thanks for your reviews, I love you so much let's run away togeth-I mean um... yeah. Anyway.  
O_O you're a hardcore otaku. I admire you. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TRULY LEGENDARY MANGA xD. I'm going to Google it after I post this chapter. I've been sick the past few days, actually. I forgot to say that ^^;  
******  
ThJo: I have no idea where the Gay Dance came from, but I want to make up a full one xD. I feel bad for making L suffer, since I love him and stuff TT^TT. And I'm replying. S-sorry D; Inception. I want to watch that. WERE YOU MINDFUCK'D? I keep failing my maths tests, too. Sorry for your failure ._. You should have went into the shop with a big notepad and copied all the recipes onto it ;D.*hasn't eaten eggplant* I gave birth to chocolate milk ~.~ Me too, my mum completely didn't get it, though. At the end she was like "THEY GOT HIM D:"**

D15(L41M3R: 1 D0 N07 0WN D347H N073 ._.

* * *

To: (All Contacts)

Hey everyone, Light Yagami here.  
Just to let you know, I'm a homosexual and I'm free tonight (L, Matsuda ;3).

Light ;3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

* * *

Dear Kira,

I have no desire to join you in your sexual activities, tonight or any other night.

And please always address me as "Ryuzaki ", despite my top-notch security, it still is possible to hack into my email.

Ryuzaki

* * *

Dear Light,

I'd love to join you tonight!  
I'll bring the Viagra, I have trouble down below, sometimes :/.

Aizawa

* * *

Dear Light,

Come downstairs, son. Your mother and I would like to talk to you.

Dad

* * *

Dear Light,

You want me to come over?  
Great, I could bring a movie, but I don't have any popcorn.  
Have you seen Marley and Me?  
It makes me cry every time!

Matsuda

* * *

Dear Light,

Sorry, my daughter was looking through my email, I forgot to sign out.

Please ignore my last reply.

Aizawa

* * *

Dear Light,

Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk!

Ryuk

* * *

Dear L,

How about tomorrow afternoon, then?  
I'M NOT KIRA!

Light

* * *

Dear Aizawa,

Oh, thank God LOL.  
I was really worried for a moment, I mean, you're a bit old for me .  
No offence.

Light

* * *

Dear Dad,

It's okay, Sayu hacked me. Talk to her.

Light

* * *

Dear Matsuda,

Um... yeah, bring the movie.  
It's fine, we don't need popcorn.  
I have whipped cream.

Light ;3 xxxxxx

* * *

Dear Light,

I won't lie that did hurt me a bit.  
But I understand.

Aizawa

* * *

Dear Aizawa,

Sorry.

Light

* * *

Dear Gayboy,

OH MY GOD! I KNEW IT!  
WHY DID YOU TELL DAD I HACKED YOU?  
IT'S KINDA OBVIOUS I DIDN'T, I CAN HEAR YOU SINGING "CANDYMAN" FROM MY ROOM.

Sayu

* * *

Dear Ryuk,

Shut up.

Light

* * *

Dear Sayu,

LOL he believed me, didn't he?  
He wanted to talk to me, and it's fun getting you into trouble ;D.

Gayboy xxxxx

* * *

Dear Kira,

I do not wish to join in your sexual activities at any time in my life.

Address me as Ryuzaki.

Ryuzaki

* * *

Dear Light,

Only if you get me some apples.  
Hyukhyukhyukhyukhyukhyuk! xD

Ryuk

* * *

Dear L,

How about when you're dead?

Address me as Light.

Light

* * *

Dear Ryuk,

NAW.

Light

* * *

Dear Light,

I am proud of you.

Watari

* * *

Dear Watari,

Um... thanks?

Light

* * *

Dear Light,

That is sick, twisted, and definitely something Kira would say.  
I am going to get a cremation after my death because of you.

Ryuzaki

* * *

Dear Light,

I drew on your Hideki Ryuga poster, and you can't tell dad, because it's evidence you're gay ;D.

Love, Sayu xx

* * *

Dear L,

I'll hump your ashes.

Light xxxxx

* * *

Dear Dad,

I'm gay.  
Sayu drew on my Hideki Ryuga poster.  
It was difficult for me to come out, and I find this very upsetting and disrespectful of her.  
I'll be downstairs in 10 minutes.

Light

* * *

Dear Sayu,

I told him. FAIL.

Love, Light xxx

* * *

Dear Light,

No problem. I want you to know I'll always be there for you.

Watari

* * *

Dear Watari,

That's very nice of you...

Light

* * *

Dear Watari,

STOP ENCOURAGING HIM!

Ryuzaki

* * *

Dear Kira,

FUCK YOU.

Ryuzaki

* * *

Dear L,

So you're coming over?

Your Future Seme, Light xxxxxxxx


	7. The Gayboy Bunny

**BEWARE, REALLY LONG A/N AGAIN.**  
***creeps in* ... um... hello?**  
***gets rotten tomato thrown at her***  
**I'M SORRY I WAS GONE FOR SO LONG, I HAD EXTREME WRITER'S BLOCK AND THEN NO INTERNET. I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE GONE FOR OVER A MONTH, I'M SORRYYYYYY D; **  
***narrowly misses flying table chucked at her***  
**So... **  
**This chapter just came to me as I lay in my bed, I was thinking about a Christmas theme where Light has a box over his manhood instead, but I thought Easter was more appropriate since it was not long Easter xD.**  
**I don't know... this probably sucks, and you probably all just feel sorry for my inability to write... but... thank you for all your nice reviews, even while I deserted you (especially you, ThJo! Dx)...**  
**Maybe I'll still do the Christmas theme, I don't know O_o.**  
**Also, I don't know much about tasers or stun guns, I had to Google how much voltage is in them. Apparently, it's not the voltage that can kill, it's the amps *has no idea what she's saying* 8D**  
**No, really, I've never even seen one. I don't think they use them here. **  
**While I've been gone, I've got a hamster, my senile gran has moved in with us, I've become obsessed with Pokémon Black (and N ^^), I've decorated Easter eggs, and I've been out with friends. Because I do have a life. Of course. *cough*...**  
**And how have you been?**  
***dodges bowling ball thrown at her***  
**I MUST SAY, YOU LOOK LOVELY TODAY TT^TT**  
***is knocked out by a brick***

* * *

A pair of heavy, owlish eyes slowly opened and groggily looked around the room.

As L struggled to sit up, he realised he had been asleep in the first place.

Why had he been asleep in the first place?...

Watari only sent him to sleep if he was close to passing out from exhaustion, or if there was something big happening the next day.

He had been feeling fine yesterday (well, as fine as you can be after going 3 days without sleep), so it couldn't be the former...

The detective rose into his trademark crouching position on the bed, and looked around the room for the calendar. "APRIL" was in capital letters, occupied by the days of the month and a large picture of chocolate eggs.

Chocolate egss... mmm... chocolate is one good confection... melted, or formed into shapes, or in bars, or in sprinkles, or... delivered by bunnies...

"AH!" L's head finally snapped into motion. "IT'S EASTER!"

His expression quickly changed to that of a hyper child, as he frog-leaped out of bed and dashed to that suspicious looking mountain on his floor, covered by a large tablecloth.

The tablecloth was hastily removed to reveal a lifetime supply of chocolate eggs.

L knew what he was having for breakfast.

Although, there was something else in the mound of confections. Something that looked like... a pompom?

L leaned closed to the fluffy item, and slowly reached out to examine it. He found that it was connected, strangely, to a piece of elastic.

The detective pulled the elastic as far as it could go, and then released, making a painfully loud snap against something that sounded like skin.

L jumped back with a startled scream, as a muffled cry of "OH YEAH, BABY!", and a pair of red bumcheeks rose from the eggs.

"WHATEVER STRANGE FETISHIST IS HIDING IN MY EASTER EGGS, PLEASE REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE BUILDING AT ONCE, OR I SHALL BE FORCED TO USE VIOLENCE!"

"Relax, babe, it's only me"

L recognised the familiar voice, although it was now distinctly different.

"L-Light?" The raven haired detective was too shocked to add the honorific, as the bumcheeks rose higher still, revealing an almost-naked body facing backwards.

"Hell. Yeah."

Light spun around dramatically in the middle of Mt. Chocolate to face L.

"What... what is going on? I do not... comprehend..."

L wondered if he was still dreaming, sleep had been proved to do dangerous things to his head in the past. Like that one time he woke up with his shirt off on Watari's floor, with carpet burns covering his chest, and Watari had embarrassingly told him that L had been saying he was a mermaid in his sleep, while writhing about and apparently swimming on the old man's floor.

"I'm the Gayboy Bunny, and I've come to deliver some extra Easter goodies, sweetheart" Light winked and tweaked his bunny ears headband, before wading through the gargantuan pile of Easter eggs towards the confused detective, swinging his hips all the way.

Before he could make it through to his prey, though, the younger man was suddenly hit with 50,000 volts of electricity, and collapsed back into the Easter eggs.

Not many people knew about L's taser.


	8. Sexy Legs

**YO.**  
**This chapter is just not good ._.  
I'm ashamed of it, to be honest. Sorry.**  
**And I don't know if tandoori chicken is actually spicy, if it's not then tell me about a spicier curry (I don't eat curry D;)**  
**OHMYGOD. I JUST HAD A THOUGHT. WHAT IF TANDOORI CHICKEN IS NOT ACTUALLY A CURRY?**  
**I really need to research this stuff xD.**  
**There are a lot of awkward silences in this chapter, it's like "..." all the time ^^;;;;  
The message system on this is all ruined, someone tell me WHYYYYYYY D;**

**HEY.**  
**CHECK OUT CHICHES ZOMBIES'S TRULY AMAZINGLY AWESOMELY LEGENDARY STORY - "Losing".**  
**It's a really good story, with an actual plot. And it's about L. NOW GO AND CHECK IT OUT.**  
**GO GO GOOOOOO!~**

**Okay, I need to pee.**

* * *

"!"

The entire task force all stopped what they were doing immediately and turned their heads to look in the direction of the bathroom.

Light had excused himself 15 minutes ago, and throughout these 15 minutes, the task force had heard a series of faint moans and cries of pain coming from the same direction. At first, some of them were concerned, mainly Light's father. But after Soichiro had recalled the extra-spicy tandoori chicken curry Light had consumed for dinner last night, the task force had returned to their work as usual (with some immature giggles from Matsuda).

This scream, however, was completely different from the previous noises.

This was the kind of scream you hear when a wife has just failed to stop her husband from jumping off a cliff in depression. This was the kind of scream you hear when a child has just witnessed their entire family being murdered and eaten by an army of ravenous cannibals. This was the kind of scream you hear from thousands at mass genocides.

The task force was silent for a few seconds, all of them trying to figure out what the blood-curdling screen had been about. Then…

"LIGHT!" Soichiro yelled out for his son in shock, his voice breaking with panic.

The task force broke into chaos, all of them assuming the worst.

What if an experienced criminal had broken into the building, infiltrating the extreme security and brutally murdering Light as he innocently sat on the toilet seat, emptying his irritated bowels? What if L's constant accusations had finally made Light snap, and he had stabbed himself 15 times in the gut before dropping silently onto the floor? What if Kira had got him?

The group of detectives raced to the men's bathroom, all imagining various scenarios involving Light's gory death.

Soichiro burst into the bathroom, and bashed the closed cubicle door open. "LIIIIIGGGHHHH-"

Soichiro stopped himself yelling his son's name when he saw Light sprawled out on the tiled floor…

Waxing his legs.

"Daaaad, can't a man wax his legs in peace around here? Gosh! Hey, while you're in here, have you got some soothing cream I could apply to these legs? They're red raw, it's unbelievable. I mean THAT COLOUR! I didn't think skin could be that red, it's quite amazing!"

Light's father exhaled loudly, clutching his chest and slumping down the opposite wall of the quite spacey cubicle

The rest of the task force stood awkwardly in a gathering, gaping into the cubicle as Light continued waxing his upper leg.

"By the way, since you're all here, what do you think of a Johnny Depp tattoo on this thigh? I'd love to have that sexy hunk of beef on my equally sexy leg" Light slapped his left thigh enthusiastically and looked around the confused task force.

The task force looked on blankly.

"OH! OR MAYBE AN ORLANDO BLOOM ONE! Or… maybe both. Like, Johnny on the left, Orlando on the right! Or maybe I could put them both on the inside of each thigh, so when I pressed my legs together they could snog! But then it would be harder to see them…"

"… Am I dreaming?" Matsuda wondered.

"I was wondering the same…" L mused. "This is a lot worse than that mermaid dream, though…"

"Oh, you're not dreaming. I'm just gay. Did I forget to mention that?"

Soichiro nodded vacantly.

"I had a hunch…" L stated.

The rest of the task force mumbled in agreement, except Soichiro.

"Yep. Gay…" Light trailed off and looked suggestively at L, before moving on to his lower leg.

The crowd of men descended into awkward silence once again as Light applied the strip to his hairy calve.

Finally, Matsuda broke the silence.

"Well, I'd get Johnny on my stomach, if I were you…"


	9. Diddlydong

***walks past this fic***  
**...**  
***stops and stares at it for a while*...**  
**...**  
**OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL THESE MONTHS? **  
***begins hurriedly scrawling words on my hands and arms, hoping to form a chapter***  
**...**  
**No, really, I'm sorry I disappeared off the face of the Earth, but since my laptop died a painful death, my dad has been very grumpy about letting me use his pretty awesome laptop. BUT I HAVE IT TODAY. *lovingly caresses laptop***  
**Also, to be honest I forgot about fanfiction for a little while, because not very many of my favourite fics were updating (perhaps I'm just picky about fics ._.)... but then I got into Kuroshitsuji and Durarara!, and I began to crave fanfics (I read them on my iPod Touch) ¬_¬. THEN, I looked at this fic's reviews, and I was like "SHIIIT, THESE PEOPLE PROBABLY WANT TO KILL ME NOW."**  
**So, here we are. This chapter... well, I read another fic in a different fandom where a character got drunk, and I thought about how awesome it would be if Light got drunk and was coming onto L. So, this one isn't really about Light confessing his gayness, more about him just acting gay and being drunk. And it's crap, and I'm sorry for being crap. I think I've been inside too much or something, because I've been feeling really depressed lately and I've spent the day reading hurt/comfort fanfics, watching amvs, and questioning the meaning of the world. Does anyone else do that? ^^;;;**

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. If I did, it would have no fans. 

* * *

Light crept down the corridors of the Taskforce Headquarters. He couldn't make a sound, it was imperative to his secret mission that he kept as quiet as possible. If he made even one noise, somebody would find him. Probably that sexy detective that insisted on observing his every move to make sure he wasn't a relentless mass-murderer.

The reason being found – or rather caught – was so bad, was because-

"Light-kun!"

Aw shit.

"Noooooo…" Light began to shuffle away from the bedroom he had previously been creeping towards.

"Light-kun, how did you manage to unlock the handcuffs?"

L stared at him accusingly. The man had decided he would have to try and sleep that night, or his body would shut down sometime soon. He had woken up after about 5 hours to find the bed next to him empty, one cuff of the handcuffs unlocked, and his top Kira suspect missing.

"I used my secret powers! Don't tell anyone, though, because… b-because they're a secret!" the younger man was whispering while moving his eyes around shiftily. His speech was slurred.

"Light, are you drunk?" L carelessly dropped the honorific, he had to find out how Light had escaped from the handcuffs binding them together and he couldn't be bothered with fake pleasantries.

"Ahhh… well, I… could… I COULD be, but the question is… the question is, do you REALLY want to know, L? If I was drunk, right now. Right now, if I was drunk, that would be BAD. And when things are bad, it makes people… sad. And if you were sad, you'd tell my dad. And he would be… would… he would be just, just SO MAAAAAD. And then he would cancel my subscription to Cosmo magazine, and every night I would just… Misa and I would just get a tub of ice cream and just get fat together. Imagine I was fat, L. Imagine you made me… fat." Light's expression was one of horror.

L sighed. Of course, getting fat would be Light's worst nightmare. And that whole speech had just clarified that yes, Light was most definitely drunk. Either that or he had suffered from a partial stroke (causing him to slur his speech) and then lost his sanity.

"Okay, Light-kun…" L had to somehow pry answers that made sense out of the disoriented teen. And he had to do it tonight. "Where have you been?"

Light grinned at L.

"I've been… SOOOOO PISSSSSSED! And… woaaaah, I think I threw up like… TWENTY TIMES, and everyone was really pleaasshhhed with me because they told me to get my diddlydong out for the camera and I did, and when I did that I felt really bad for you becaushhh you weren't… weren't there to… see it…" Light suddenly began sobbing into his hands.

"… Your diddlydong?"

"YEAAAAH, MY DICK. IT'S, LIKE, HUGE IN THE MOONLIGHT, YOU'D LOVE IT."

L winced at the usually serious teenager's drunk personality. The detective decided he should play along, he didn't want to see the intoxicated Light angry.

"Ah, well, I'm sure it is very impressive indeed, but what would be even more impressive is if you told me how you unlocked the handcuffs and where exactly you were tonight, Light-kun."

"Ohhhh, I knew you'd be turned on by the thought of it. I said… I told everyone, I was like 'Ryushakshi would love this, he really would!' I don't know… I don't know who took the pictures of it, but I'm shhhure you could track them down and ask to… see them. Or maybe I could just show you it now, although we're not outside… OH MY GOD, LET'SH GO OUTSIDE AND DANCE IN THE MOONLIGHT LIKE IN THAT… THAT SONGGG!"

"That sounds like an enjoyable experience, Light-kun, but first I would like you to tell me where you were tonight, the exact location." This was going to be a difficult conversation.

"Yeah, yeah, it was… ummm… oh Godddd, where… where was it…?" Light began to giggle.

L bore his eyes into the drunken youth's face, deadpan.

"OH YEAH, IT WAS THIS AMAAAAZINGGGGG CLUB CALLED DIRTY SECRET, AND IT WAS FULL OF, LIKE, NAKED MEN. AND THEY… THEY WERE NAKED. BUT I WISH YOU COULD HAVE BEEN THERE, BECAUSE… BECAUSSHHH WE COULD HAVE BEEN NAKED TOGETHER, AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SOOOOO FUN. AND… I JUST NEEDED TO GET OUT AGAIN, IT'S BEEN SOOOO LONG SINCE I GOT MY GAY ON, Y'KNOW? I MEAN, I NEEDED TO RELEASE ALL THAT PENT-UP GAY ENERGY. " Light was looking positively delirious. It was quite unnerving for L to watch. And he was gay... well, that one wasn't much of a shocker.

"I… I am not inclined to be in a state of undress around you, Light-kun."

"But you know you want to let it all hang out, L. You doooo… OHHH, HERE I COME FOR YOU!~~"

Light made a wild charge at L, fuelled by drunken gay sexy power. But where was L? He suddenly vanished… no. No, there were now two Ls. When did that happen? Where was L?

"EEEEHHHHLLLLLL!" Light rammed into a wall, fell backwards, then stood up and began moving his hands on the wall, then rubbing his entire body against it like a cat with a scratching post.

"Light-kun... you are currently sexually harassing a wall."

"It's a shexy wall… mmmnnnn…"

L backed a few metres away from the teen, he did not want to suffer the same fate as the defenceless wall. The older man was getting sick of this erratic behaviour. He decided to try one last time to ask Light how he unlocked the cuffs. Then, if he did not reply with an answer that made sense… well, L would have to bring out his taser.

"Light-kun…" L began.

"Ryuzaki, you're over there! God, I thought… I thought you'd been abducted. There are aliens around, you know. I saw their spaceships on my way back, they were HUUUGE, AND THEY HAD WINGS, AND I MOONED TO THEM TO MAKE THEM FEEL SEXY."

"Light, those were planes." L was not messing around now. This man was getting on his last nerve.

"You're… YOU'RE STICKING UP FOR THE ALIENS! OH MY GOD, L, YOU'RE ONE OF THEM! YOU'RE AN ALIEN! YOU'RE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL!"

Light was now pointing accusingly at the allegedly disguised alien detective.

"Light, I assure you, despite my high intelligence and tendency to eat nothing but confections, I am perfectly hu-"

"KISS ME, KI-KI-KISS ME, HIT ME WITH YOUR LOVIN', INJECT ME WITH YOUR POIIISON! TAKE ME, TA-TA-TAKE ME! WANNA BE YOUR VICTIM, I'M READY FOR ABDUCTIOOOON!" Light bellowed out the out of tune lyrics while making unusual jerky movements towards the detective, who was now backing into his bedroom.

"L, do you use… probes?"

That was it.

"LIGHT, HOW DID YOU UNLOCK THE HANDCUFFS? TELL ME NOW. TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED OR YOUR KIRA PERCENTAGE WILL BE RAISED BY 70%" L was incredibly frustrated. What if this had been happening a lot? What if Light had been sneaking away every time L had to sleep? He was no longer playing games with the younger man.

Light giggled.

"I used my hairclip."

L stared at the Kira suspect. That was it? That was all it took? A hairclip? Was he kidding?

"Can you explain to me why I have never seen this hairclip?"

Light grinned devilishly, moving his head until his lips were hovering next to the pale man's ear.

"It's in my crack. Wanna see it now?" he whispered seductively, almost none of his words slurred.

L watched the brunet warily. He had no desire to see the younger man's lower regions. Although he did wonder if keeping a hairclip in such a place was uncomfortable, and he was slightly impressed by Light's lock-picking skills.

"No, I do not, but I hope you realise your Kira percentage has gone through the roof after tonight's activities. I shall be informing the rest of the Taskforce of this event, and we shall take suitable action in the morning. For the time being, I suggest you remove the hair accessory from between your buttocks and get some rest."

"Why don't you use your prooobes to take it out, baby?"

Light was then tasered.


	10. Edible Men and Mistletoe

**Ahahaha... um... hey? -sofa thrown at her-**  
**OH GOD, I'M SO SORRY I ABANDONED THIS FOR SO LONG, BUT IT'S GETTING HARDER TO COME UP WITH IDEAS AND AKSAJSDNSDJ SORRYYYYY, JUST NEVER RELY ON ME EVER, OKAY? No, honestly, I really am sorry. I didn't mean to leave for such a large amount of time.**  
**You've probably forgotten about this fic anyway, it's been that long ^^;;**  
**This has a Christmas-ish theme, even though it's the 20th of January now :|**  
**And I'm sorry it's so terrible and weird and un-funny...**  
**What've you all been up to while we've been separated? *^*  
Oh yeah, and do you have any new year's resolutions?  
I've had my birthday in October [I'm 14 now], been to Blackpool, went into 3rd year at school, got some LEGENDARY stuff for Christmas, and done a lot of other stuff that I can't actually remember u_u;;**  
**OH YES, BY THE WAY, I KNOW I SAID MY GOAL WAS TO GET TO 10 CHAPTERS, BUT EVEN THOUGH THIS HAS NOW BEEN ACHIEVED, THAT DOES NOT MEAN THIS FIC IS OVER. IN FACT, FAR FROM IT. I GOT A LAPTOP FOR CHRISTMAS, SO NOW I CAN WORK ON FICS WHENEVER I SO DESIRE, LIKE AT 1 AM ON A SCHOOL NIGHT WHEN I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY MATHS HOMEWORK 8D**

**[Cat, look at this. This is a chapter. Now you must upload another chapter to your fic, or you shall feel the true wrath of Mutton. And Salmon, go upload a fic XDD]**

* * *

It was when he was wandering down the hall to his room that he saw it. A gathering of green leaves tied with a red ribbon hanging forlornly from the ceiling.

"Mistletoe." L stared up at the plant with curiosity. He knew about the tradition mistletoe carried. If two people (or perhaps more than two, though he wasn't sure how three people could kiss simultaneously. That was actually a rather amusing image) were caught under it, they were required to kiss.

Now he began to wonder who had hung this parasitic plant in the first place. The person that first came to mind was Misa, with her love for romantic gestures and cliché love stories. Knowing her, she probably bought mistletoes by the dozen, to increase her chances of being caught under one with Light. Her obsession with that boy was unhealthy…

L shook his head and continued down the hallway, but only to come face-to face with 17 mistletoes (L was good at speed-counting) all hanging together in a large cluster. He promptly ignored them, deciding he would have a word with Misa later about her inappropriate plant-hanging. What if someone in the taskforce was allergic to mistletoe? Yes, okay, it was a fairly uncommon allergy, but not impossible! Did Misa bother to check with everyone before she hung these possibly fatal plants? No. No, she did not. Aizawa could be developing a very uncomfortable rash that very second, and it would all be her fault.

He took a step forward to hear a rather disconcerting crunch. Looking down, he discovered a gingerbread man with a now-smudged icing smile and a disembodied leg. Seriously, a gingerbread man? Who would leave such a delicious treat lying on the floor, just asking to be stood on? He stared with a hint of melancholy at the biscuit's ruined smile and amputated leg. He had done that to it. L had just committed assault, yet the gingerbread man continued to attempt a smile. He admired it for that. Slowly, he bent down and picked it and its leg off the ground.

"I apologise… but it's better this way. I'll make it quick." He sighed and consumed the biscuit in three bites. The five second rule didn't apply here, the hall floors were perfectly clean. Well, he hoped they were. L didn't want diarrhoea on Christmas. That would be really depressing… oh god, what had he done?

He raised himself from his crouching position and lifted his gaze to find… another gingerbread man. He looked up even more, and there it was. A whole fucking trail of gingerbread men leading down the hallway. A whole fucking trail. Did anyone care about health and safety anymore (he was going to forget the whole eating-a-biscuit-randomly-lying-on-the-floor thing ever happened. If he got some sort of illness, he would just blame it on the bugs going round at this time of year. Or better yet, Matsuda)?

L noticed how happy they all looked. They all had perfect icing smiles, each one of them… he had to save these men before someone else made the same mistake he did. He had already made one sacrifice, he didn't want to ruin the non-existent lives of countless gingerbread families everywhere. Hurriedly, he shuffled down the hall and began to pick up gingerbread men, trying to balance them around his hands without making the icing on them melt and smudge. He wished he had a container, but there was no time to run to the kitchen and get one. Time was not on his side.

"I'll get you all to safety, do not panic." L whispered determinedly to the inanimate objects.

-timeskiplololyouweren'texpectingthatwereyou?-

L arrived at the door of the supply closet with an armful of sticky gingerbread men and sprigs of mistletoe in his messy black hair. He had had a few casualties on the way – a few men had not made it, and he may have had to eat a couple to keep his energy levels up - but he had to continue for the safety of the greater majority of men. Anyway, this was where the trail had ended. But this whole time, he hadn't really been thinking about where this trail might lead to. This supply closet might have a wormhole to another universe inside it, and he was going to blindly walk into it without a second thought. He should probably just ignore this mysterious room and take the gingerbread men to Watari. But oh, curiosity plagued him, and he couldn't keep walking.

He kicked the door open with his foot, but he was not prepared for someone to grab him and pull him right into the depths of the closet. The door shut behind him, and he was plunged into darkness.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOI-MMMPH" L couldn't continue his sentence, as someone had just locked their lips onto his and began passionately kissing him. Overcome by shock, he dropkicked the offender and jumped skilfully backwards. He couldn't search for a light switch, as his arms were still full of rescued men.

A dimmer light was slowly turned on by someone, and L was in a forest. A forest of mistletoe. The stuff was everywhere, on the ceiling, on the walls, hanging from shelves. There was not a surface that was not covered in the plant, and it was utterly terrifying.

Even more terrifying, however, was the man in a Santa-themed lingerie set and laced high heeled boots standing in a seductive pose before him.

"I've been a very naughty boy this year, L…"

Oh dear god, he had to get out of here.

"L-Light-kun. What an… unexpected turn of events, finding you in here, with this… rather worrying display… well, I'd better be going, I have a lot of men to attend to…"

It didn't sound so wrong in his head as it did out loud.

"Baby, there's only one man for you. And you're looking right at him~"

With that, Light pounced forwards and wrapped his arms around the disturbed detective. "What a coincidence, we seem to have been caught under some mistletoe. Well, I guess it can't be helped, traditions are traditions…" L was aware of another set of lips on his again, and then a warm tongue trailing teasingly across his lower lip. A slower version of "Santa Baby" began playing on a stereo set to a timer in the background, and L realised that this was probably a form of sexual assault.

There was only one resolve now. L had left his trusty taser in his room, so instead Light received a swift knee to the balls and a muttering of "Good luck with your sexuality crisis, Light-kun" before L made a hasty departure, using his elbow to push the door handle down and get him and his gingerbread companions out of the sexually charged atmosphere.

L drank a lot of eggnog that night.


	11. Harder Than The Kira Case

**Heh. This chapter contains a lot more swearing than usual, due to L's PMS-ing temperament. Sorry it sucks like a vacuum and it's so short. A certain phrase came to me, and I JUST HAD TO WRITE A CHAPTER USING IT AS INSPIRATION [EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD BE WORKING ON OTHER STUFF]. Try and guess which phrase it is? XD  
L's thoughts are in italics, by the way.**  
**If some stuff makes less sense than usual [like, if my grammar is very confusing, or if I've switched tenses or something], please let me know. I'm just... really, really tired. I acted so depressed and detached today, some of my friends even thought I'd fallen out with them. **  
**So, how are you? What have you been up to recently? **  
**Oh, that reminds me [well, it doesn't really - I just wanted to mention this]... have any of you heard of Maoh: Juvenile Remix?**

* * *

L sighed in frustration as he stared profusely at the incredibly boring screen displaying incredibly boring figures that he had been staring at in the deepest pits of incredible boredom for the past two boring hours. He had this huge urge to just throw the computer out of the top storey window and scream to the world about how bored he was.

_MY NAME IS L LAWLIET, AND I THINK I AM BEGINNING TO HALLUCINATE DUE TO BOREDOM. IS THERE REALLY A SLICE OF HALF EATEN CAKE IN FRONT OF ME, OR AM I NOT ALL THERE IN THE HEAD? THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW, AS I DO NOT WANT TO REACH FOR IT AND THEN FIND OUT THERE ACTUALLY IS NOT A SLICE OF CAKE, AND THEN END UP JUST AWKWARDLY CARESSING THE DESK. THAT WOULD BE EMBARRASSING FOR BOTH MYSELF AND THE DESK. AND YES, I DO REALISE DESKS ARE NOT SENTIENT BEINGS. I JUST... WELL, SOMETIMES I TALK TO THEM AT NIGHT WHEN I'M LONELY OKAY I'M GOING TO END THIS IMAGINARY CONFESSION NOW GOODBYE THANK YOU._

"Ryuzaki?"

A voice pulled the weary detective from his rather disturbing inner thoughts, and he slowly turned to look at the eternally annoying brunet.

"Yes, Light-kun?" That came out more unenthusiastically than he meant it to. Ah well.

"You look tired, maybe you should take a break?" Light offered a small, caring smile as he said this. Oh God. He was always so... fake. Why couldn't he just admit he didn't give a flying fuck about the detective and leave him to slowly waste away in front of a computer screen for the rest of the night? WHY WAS HE ALWAYS PRETENDING TO LIKE PEOPLE, THE IRRITATING LITTLE SHIT?

L decided he should probably get some sleep tonight. He was starting to feel like a PMS-ing teenage girl again.

He struggled to keep his pokerface intact as he replied.

"I shall most certainly 'take a break' when this highly dangerous and deranged serial killer is finally caught and put to justice, no longer endangering the lives of thousands of innocent people worldwide. I can assure you that, Light-kun." _You two-faced murderous bitch._

"You can't do anything without at least a little rest, Ryuzaki..." Light rested his hand on L's tensed shoulder, in an apparently friendly gesture. There was a strange look in his eyes, though...

"I AM AWARE OF THAT, LIGHT. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM TOUCHING ME."_ YOU TOUCHY-FEELY MANSLUT._

Sleep was starting to sound really appealing...

A deviant glint appeared in Light's eyes as he leaned in closer. If L were not so highly-strung and fully concentrated on not falling asleep or flipping the desk in sleep deprived rage, he would definitely be suspicious of that look.

"You know you like it when I touch you, L. I know... I know we both feel something here."

_HANG ON, I'M SORRY, WHAT? WHAT ARE WE BOTH MEANT TO BE FEELING HERE? BECAUSE ALL I FEEL RIGHT NOW IS GREAT ANNOYANCE AND THE RAPIDLY INCREASING URGE TO PUNCH YOU IN THE COCKY FACE._

"This case is hard, L... really hard..."

Well, L could at least agree with that. This was the most difficult case he had ever come across.

"But you know what's even harder?"

"No, please enlighten me."

Hah, he'd love to hear this. Something that's harder than the Kira case.

Light leaned in very close, until L could feel the unsettling sensation of warm breath on his cheek, and whispered.

"My penis every time I look at you, babe."

As if to prove a point, the younger male began to unzip the fly of his trousers.

"OH GOD NO, I AM NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD, YOU FILTHY, FILTHY WHORE."

Light received a swift crotch-kick and a slap in the face, as a pissed-off L strutted like a strong black woman who don't need no man out of the otherwise empty taskforce main room to the bedroom. Of course, they were still bound by handcuffs, so a weepy Light was dragged unwillingly up the stairs a few seconds later.

He had ordered that catwoman outfit for nothing.


End file.
